The divorce rate in California is currently at 12.40%. Going through a divorce is challenging enough, but when your spouse has narcissistic personality disorder, it can be exponentially more difficult. Narcissists lack empathy and can be manipulative, making negotiations extremely hard.
According to research data, between 0.5% and 5% of people in the U.S. may have narcissistic personality disorder. Between 50% and 75% of cases affect men, so wives filing for divorce may disproportionately encounter narcissistic husbands. Here’s how to get through your San Diego divorce with a narcissist.
Find an Experienced Attorney
Hiring a qualified divorce attorney is critical when facing a narcissistic spouse. An attorney experienced with high-conflict personalities can help navigate negotiations and protect your rights. Research shows that narcissistic spouses often try to punish their partners during divorce, so you need an attorney to stand up for you.
Though hiring a lawyer may increase your costs, which average around 8.03% of household income in California, it’s worth it. A good attorney can help you avoid getting trapped in endless disputes in your divorce case in San Diego.
Steel Yourself Emotionally
One of the hardest parts of divorcing a narcissist is dealing with their emotional manipulation and mind games. Narcissists frequently belittle, gaslight, and provoke their spouses in order to maintain control. Studies indicate narcissistic husbands often become more abusive during divorce.
Prepare yourself for lies, fits of rage, and attempts to make you feel crazy. Lean on friends, family, and a therapist to validate reality. Avoid engaging whenever possible, since narcissists feed on drama. Stay strong knowing you’re making the right decision.
Document Everything
When divorcing a narcissist, meticulous documentation is vital. Keep detailed records of conversations, texts, emails, social media posts, etc. Narcissists tend to distort the truth, so you need evidence. Secretly record arguments on your phone when permitted by law.
Save voicemails and screenshots. If you have children, note when the narcissist misses visits or scheduled calls. Present this documentation to your divorce attorney to establish patterns of behavior. Records can help prove claims of abuse and counter gaslighting.
Avoid False Hope
Though all divorces involve some reconciliation attempts, be very wary when divorcing a narcissist. Their pleas and promises to change are usually entirely self-serving and temporary. Research shows narcissistic spouses become more controlling post-separation to reel their partner back in.
Then abuse often resumes. Make your boundaries firm upfront. Insist any future discussions occur through attorneys. Share reconciliation attempts with your lawyer and support system to maintain perspective. Don’t jeopardize your future hoping for genuine change from a narcissist.
Seek Support
Don’t go through your divorce alone. Leaning on trusted friends and family members is crucial, since the narcissist will try to isolate you. Join a support group for others divorcing narcissists. Share your story with loved ones to preempt the narcissist’s lies about you.
Though it may be challenging while divorcing, try to maintain outside interests and hobbies you enjoy to reduce stress. Self-care activities like exercise, meditation, therapy, and massage can also help you remain grounded. Maintaining perspective is essential when dealing with a narcissist’s manipulations.
Prioritize the Children
If you have kids, focus on insulating them from conflict to the extent possible. Research shows children of narcissists suffer absenteeism, depression and higher risk of developing narcissistic traits themselves. Avoid using kids as messengers or disclosing adult details that may burden them. If you have the children’s custody, get them into therapy if needed to process the changes in family dynamics.
Request that your family law attorney pursue mandated co-parenting classes and formal custody agreements to protect them. While divorcing a narcissist takes immense personal fortitude, making your kids’ wellbeing a priority can give your struggle purpose.
Though divorcing a narcissistic husband poses many challenges, having the right legal and emotional support can help you successfully move forward with your life. With proper planning and perseverance, you can protect yourself and come out stronger on the other side. Don’t let manipulation or lies hold you back from the peaceful future you deserve.
